Category: Humor

Saving Quacks
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Saving Quacks

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This story happened in our family twenty years ago, but lives on today as a lasting sign of just how powerful our God is. “Dad, may I just peek inside?” ten-year-old Luke Armstrong asked holding a cardboard box. “Wait until we get home,” his dad, Mark, answered. “We’re almost there. I don’t want a bunch […]

For Groundhog's Day -- An Interview with Punxsutawney Phil
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For Groundhog’s Day — An Interview with Punxsutawney Phil

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Every Feb. 2, Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, is pulled from a tree stump in Punxsutawney, PA. If he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t, spring is just ahead. In a 2010 interview, I asked Phil about a request made by the People for the Ethical Treatment of […]

Undeserving
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Undeserving

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I woke up this morning. I could have instead been meeting my Maker, sautéing like a piece of human bacon in the eternal frying pan or dancing with angels. You must have woken too or you wouldn’t be reading this. Have you ever put much thought in that? Waking up in the morning is not even […]

Yes Guy, There is and Always Will Be an America
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Yes Guy, There is and Always Will Be an America

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Dear Editor, I am in my 70th year. Some of my little-minded bitter friends rejoice that America will be no more because it has been fundamentally changed. I, and many of my friends, served in the Armed Forces during the Vietnam War. My Dad, who crossed the English Channel 70 times on a non-tourist visa, […]

How To Marry an Idiot
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How To Marry an Idiot

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It seems many people have marrying an idiot as their goal. The amount of couples getting divorced proves to me that many have already become experts. Sadly, there are still those hold-outs who insist on taking their vow of “till death do us part” seriously even when they get bored with one another or a […]

Plucking the Weeds of Sins
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Plucking the Weeds of Sins

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If you have never visited the southwest you might not think anything grows here that doesn’t have a thorn. Our yard, like most in the desert, is a mixture of stone, grass, succulents and tropicals. Now it goes without saying that water is a rare and precious commodity, so you might question the wisdom of […]

The Keys to Health and Happiness
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The Keys to Health and Happiness

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Get this: Wealth, fame and success don’t make us happy, but strong relationships do. That’s according to a 77-year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development that I read about in The Independent. The study began in 1938 with 724 men from two distinct groups. The first group included 268 sophomores from Harvard. The second group included […]

Hey, Bernie, the Robots Are Coming!
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Hey, Bernie, the Robots Are Coming!

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Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders thinks he can wave a magic government wand, impose lots of new taxes and government programs and make the world grand. Reality has another notion. Take the minimum wage. Bernie says he’ll raise it to $15 an hour, more than doubling it. If I worked at a fast-food restaurant for […]

Family in Full: Blending Backgrounds for New Family Traditions
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Family in Full: Blending Backgrounds for New Family Traditions

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It was Thanksgiving and my then-girlfriend was meeting my family for the first time. Much to my surprise, all five of my siblings were able to be there, and we enjoyed – or so I thought – our usual holiday dinner with the typical excited-aggressive talking that Italians tend to do. Later that evening, I […]

Giving God Deadlines
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Giving God Deadlines

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Having recently been divinely schooled on this very topic, I thought I might share the lesson I believe the Lord is trying to teach me. Perhaps some, less dense than myself, will pick up a valuable nugget for their own spiritual lives. As with most petitionary prayers, it began with a need. For us, it […]

The Cause of High College Tuition
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The Cause of High College Tuition

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Ah, the autumn is upon us. College campuses are buzzing with activity — as college kids and their parents rack up massive debt to cover the cost of high tuition. The origin of such debt is interesting to trace. In 1987, reports Slate, President Reagan’s secretary of Education, Bill Bennett, published a New York Times […]

Tax-Time Misery
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Tax-Time Misery

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When I came to, I was on my back on the floor of my accountant’s office. “What happened?” I said. “When I told you how much you owe, you went down like ton of bricks,” said my accountant. “I owe the IRS again? But I set aside money every quarter!” “How many times do I […]

Lamenting Loss of Family-Owned Grocery
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Lamenting Loss of Family-Owned Grocery

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The old grocery store in my neighborhood is closing next month. Boy, does that make me sad. The family-owned store has been a staple in our community for more than 50 years. Its simple, spartan interior is a snapshot into the past, the way grocery stores were in the ’60s and ’70s — like the […]

D.C. Snow's Silver Lining
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D.C. Snow’s Silver Lining

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I admit it: I love the snow and the cold. I love to be outside, gazing up at the stars on cold, crisp evenings. I love how the snow blankets my hillsides. And most of all, I love how snow disrupts daily life — particularly in Washington, D.C. I lived in Washington for nearly eight […]

Food Intervention, Government Style
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Food Intervention, Government Style

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“All right, tubby, if you aren’t going to stop sitting in front of the TV, eating fatty and sugary treats, maybe the government should force you to change your ways.” “Force me to change my ways? But I know what foods do and don’t make me tubby. I choose to live this way.” “Yeah, and […]

Overreaching in Plain English
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Overreaching in Plain English

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Get this: The federal government is trying to explain things to citizens in plain English. In 2010, you see, President Obama signed the Plain Writing Act into law. It requires that all federal agencies use “clear government communication that the public can understand and use.” In 2011, Obama took the plain-language initiative a step further. […]

Awaiting Our Next George Washington
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Awaiting Our Next George Washington

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“Boy, here’s something we could use more of today: unity among the American people. Americans are so divided.” “Maybe so, but we’ve been divided worse before.” “We were?” “Watch the History Channel series ‘Sons of Liberty.’ It dramatizes the heated arguments that took place among Colonial leaders, who had a lot to lose by declaring […]

Why Unemployed Men Don’t Do Housework
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Why Unemployed Men Don’t Do Housework

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Women have long been annoyed that they do more housework than men, as demonstrated by many studies, but now they are really steamed. Last December, The New York Times reported on a regrettable trend. The number of men between the ages of 25 and 54 who are unemployed is at all-time high: 16 of every […]

A Slippery Slope
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A Slippery Slope

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Ah, winter has arrived in all its glory, which means one thing: more sledding bans! According to The Associated Press, Dubuque, Iowa, has banned sledding at 48 of its 50 municipal parks. The reason: costly lawsuits. In one case, a 5-year-old girl in Omaha, Neb., hit a tree while sledding and became paralyzed. In another […]

Praying for a White Christmas
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Praying for a White Christmas

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The snow started coming down hard a few hours after we’d arrived. It was Christmas Eve 1976. We were 20 miles from home, visiting my mother’s sister at her home in the country. Earlier that evening, my mother, father, grandmother and sisters had piled into the station wagon to begin our trek. I was 14 […]

"What's on Fire?!" An Advent Tale or Two
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“What’s on Fire?!” An Advent Tale or Two

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Dutifully, Catholics go on the hunt each year for the highly coveted, purple and pink candle ensemble vital to any serious Advent wreath. I’m eighty-seven percent sure that I buy a replacement set after Christmas in anticipation of the following liturgical season. I proudly congratulate myself for thinking ahead, taking advantage of the sale price, […]

A Charlie Brown Christmas Miracle
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A Charlie Brown Christmas Miracle

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It’s amazing that the show was nearly not broadcast. I speak of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” — a show that, for reasons I don’t understand, holds more power over me with every passing year. The show has a very simple premise: Too much commercialization can take the meaning out of Christmas. As it goes, Charlie […]

Up in Smoke
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Up in Smoke

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Up in Smoke I admit it: I feel sorry for cigarette and cigar smokers these days. But changing fashions and the results of the recent election may offer them hope. Cigarette smoking used to be fashionable. Actors like Steve McQueen and Sean Connery made it look manly and cool in their many movies. Women who […]

A 1970s Halloween
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A 1970s Halloween

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Not until it got dark! That was the trick-or-treating rule my mother set down every year. She didn’t want me to embarrass her by interrupting families still having dinner. I hated the rule. Tommy Gillen and I had big plans to hit as many houses as possible before we had to come home. It was […]