Loving The Unlovable
On social media as in your dining room or your workplace, you are guaranteed to encounter people who test your patience. We are, as Catholics, commanded to love all people. There is no exclusion in Scripture or Tradition for jerks. There is no asterisk that features an addendum explaining that I am not required to love the person whose main goal appears to be to ruin my day, or even my life.
This is a huge chunk of the Gospel, and it is extremely difficult to adhere to at times. Even if we can restrain ourselves from telling people off or gossiping about them, we still have the conversion of our hearts to tackle. Not easy. Cannot be done without much grace, which is directly from the Holy Spirit, not any magic talent that you have.
Like the meme says, “You are not the jerk whisperer.” So how do we truly and sincerely feel love, in our souls, for our enemies? Where do we even begin?
Begin at the beginning. The mirror. Realize that you, too, are a jerk. Sometimes. You are not the holy of holies. You can be annoying to others. Selfish. Manipulative. Whiny. Spoiled. Envious. The Seven Deadlies? Yes, you have probably dabbled in all of them. And possibly an eighth you invented in your basement.
When you come to grips with the fact that you have ruined someone’s day more than once in your life, you suddenly find a teeny well of mercy for others. The more of your jerkosity you are willing to own, the greater your real Christian love and willingness to forgive becomes in regard to others. You start looking at all sorts of people – liars, perverts, curmudgeons, grumps, contrarians, parade-pissers, the whole gamut, and you see little bits of you in them.
Frightening? Yes. But necessary. You cannot skip step number one, by the way. That would make you a cheater. And then you would have to dislike yourself more and love others more. It’s a no-lose for me as the author of this plan.
For every annoying or hurtful action, there is an equal or bigger pitiable cause. One of my favorite sayings is “Hurt people hurt people.” The gal whose promiscuity drives you to such fits that you feel compelled to tell her exactly what she looks like and who she is probably already feels like she is. That’s why she’s selling herself so short.
No little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper, a porn star, or even just some gal who dresses provocatively and gets used by misguided men who are unable to commit. We all start out wanting to be the special princess to someone.
What happened to take her train off the rails? Well, you can get to know her and find out, or you can just judge her and call her names. But before you do either, you have to cultivate a Christian love for her in your heart by picturing her as that little girl with the big dreams. Think about how far she has fallen, how much of her dignity she has negotiated and rationalized away, and pretty soon you will be drawn to the act of praying for her. That’s your Christian love right there.
Picture Jesus next to him. I give this piece of advice out at least once a day, no exaggeration. When you are fuming, when you are ready to type out a tirade against Barack Obama or your Uncle Kurt or the guy next door whose dog turned your perfect lawn yellow, picture Jesus right next to him. Jesus is pleading this guy’s case, not yours.
Jesus is saying to reread number two and try it. Jesus is looking at you and saying this is his beloved also. Don’t hate Jesus’ beloved. That is not worthy of the title of Christian. None of this means that you let your neighbor vandalize your property – love doesn’t mean becoming a lawn care martyr. But you know full well the difference between charitable reaction to wrongdoing and what the world would have you say and do to this guy or about this guy.
Choose Jesus. Cause He’s standing right there, remember?
Ask the toughest question of all. Do I dislike or even hate this person because of some legitimate evil action she committed, or is there something in her that reminds me of something in me? Or does she remind me of my abusive mother? Or does she have something I want? I’m asking you here to do a good old fashioned gut check on your anger and annoyance and its origins.
There might be someone at work who just drives you crazy with almost every word she says. Her stuff is always late, but she bats her eyes and gets away with it. Your boss is always on your case, but she gets a free pass. So your problem is your boss? Your co-worker? No, your problem is envy. You don’t feel like you are getting your due.
Just like when you were growing up and your sister got all of Mom’s attention, right? Oy! Paging Dr. Freud! Don’t let your own emotional baggage stop you from fulfilling Jesus’ command to love each other. Count your own change, play your own game, and stop worrying about everyone else’s perceived good fortune.
You don’t know this woman’s life. Maybe your boss knows something you don’t about the broken legs upon which this woman is walking the walk of life. Or maybe not. Either way, try this exercise: be happy for your co-worker when something good happens for her. Say a little prayer for her. Congratulate her. Bring her a couple of fresh organic apples if you have gotten a bunch recently. You will feel better and before you know it, you will have no room for thoughts of resentment.
Let go, let God. This one applies to the situations where you dislike or even feel hatred toward someone because he or she has wronged or damaged someone you love. This is perhaps the biggest and most thorny challenge to Jesus’ very clear command that we are to love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us.
Jesus, we pray, what about this man who is hurting my loved one? Surely you want me to protect my loved one? (Yes, Jesus does) Surely you want me to warn my loved one that she is going to be abused again and again by this man? (Yes, Jesus does). Surely it’s justifiable for me to hate this man because it’s a protective and noble hate, a shiny like a medieval knight hate, a righteous anger kind of thing. As Grumpy Cat would say, NO.
Vengeance, if it is called for, justice, when it is meted out, is the sole domain of the Lord. You can take reasonable measures to protect your loved ones, of course. And you are called upon by The Church to defend others. But you are never called to hate. NEVER.
Hate the sin that has gotten a hold of this person. Hate the sin because sin is what wounded Jesus and tore open the flesh of Jesus. But do not think for one hot second that you are pleasing Jesus or fulfilling some sort of holy obligation by saying horrible, hateful, threatening, belittling things about this person, no matter how heinous his actions.
Talk about the actions and their consequences, not the person. He bears the Imago Dei. Don’t ever forget that. Love your loved one more than ever, even if there is a distance between you because of this other person’s actions. God will take care of all business. You don’t trust Him to do so? Then you have your own work to do, don’t you?
I have seen too many times — on Social Media in particular — an open, egregious, fiery, violent hatred toward politicians, celebrities, or whole groups of people simply because of a sin they share. All you are accomplishing is piling your sin on top of their sin. You are adding more wood to a burning bonfire. And this is not the kind of fire that will warm you; on the contrary, it is more akin to the fires of Hell, separation from Jesus, who is LOVE.
Undoubtedly we are all a long way from obeying Jesus’ very essential command to love our neighbor without condition. You can help by refusing to egg on a friend’s hatred of someone else. You can pray daily for a bigger, roomier heart, one that can accommodate all sorts of people. You can pray for your behavior to represent Christ well.
“Hateful Christians” should be oxymoronic. Instead of secular folk saying, “There goes another Christian hater,” they should be saying, “We might not agree, but I have to give credit where credit is due; this guy is unflappable.”
If you are the only Catholic at your workplace, or in your family, what image of Catholicism are you presenting? Cafeteria Catholic? Judgey Judgerson? Political party follower first, Catholic second? Or are you presenting yourself in such a way that you are unimpeachable? When you reach a point that even the “jerks” you come up against have to admit that your character cannot be impugned, then you have become a good Disciple. You will hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” some day.
None of this is easy. But we know it’s possible. Because Jesus said so. And Jesus always, always has the last word.
